How to Fit Back Into My Uniform 10 Days After Giving Birth

I consider myself fairly lucky in the post-baby body continuum.  Don't get me wrong or anything, I'm not Beyonce and ready to share post-baby bikini wearing photos to the world.  (Note to self: Need to make sure tankini still fits for this summer).  But I was able to fit back into my uniforms, for the most part, ten days after giving birth to Anduin.  How do I know this?  Because I was called in from my maternity leave to take official photos as part of an award package submission.

And how did I do this and continue to lose weight to the point that I am back at my pre-pre-pregnancy weight (that's weight before Owen) less than three months after the birth of my second child?  Let me tell you my secret.  It's called the Having Two Children in Two Years Diet and Exercise Plan.  It works something like this:

1. You can eat whatever you'd like, as long as you can eat it with one hand AND/OR in five minute spurts over the course of two and a half hours.

• This limits a lot of the food you're willing to eat.  Ribs for example?  People tend to frown on infants covered in BBQ fingerprints.  Burgers?  Off the plate. (Yes, pun is intended.)  Pasta carbonara?  Gets less than appetizing when it's been sitting there, getting cold and solidifying, for the past couple of hours.  And no more leisurely snacking for you!  Oh, and those expensive restaurant trips where you could eat course after course of delicious and potentially fattening foods...  You now have a 30 minute limit before the restaurant staff makes you and your squirming toddler feel very uncomfortable.

2. No more alcoholic beverages of any sort. 

• After all, you're either pregnant or breast feeding.  But don't worry, think of all those calories you've saved.

3. Even caffeinated beverages are severely limited to one serving a day.

•  And when they say one serving, they mean like a "small", excuse me "tall" order from Starbucks.  Not like a grande.  So think of all those calories you save by not getting a grande iced frappe anymore.

4. Be willing only to drink water from the water dispenser from your fridge, which you cannot manage to use with only hand.

• Worried about bloating?  Not so much if you can barely get enough water to keep yourself alive, let alone give your body something to bloat.

5. Breastfeed... constantly... as in every 2-3 hours... everywhere.

• Breastfeeding burns something like 600-1000 calories a day.  It takes a lot of energy to feed that little bundle of joy.  And if yours happens to be like Anduin, who goes on binge breastfeeding sessions, not only will she manage to take in the upper end of that caloric estimate, but she also manages to take away any chance for me to eat and/or drink anything.  No exaggeration: From the hours of 5 to 10, she eats literally every hour.  I spend more time with her attached to me than not.  If I didn't have a caring husband and a supportive mother/mother-in-law bringing me food and drinks, I probably would have been checked into the hospital by now due to malnutrition and dehydration.

6. Soothe your young children by carrying them around the house, attempting to see how many household tasks you can complete with only the partial use of one arm.

• As a toddler, Owen now weighs in at over twenty pounds.  Imagine carrying a twenty pound weight in your non-dominant arm as you attempt to vacuum, put away groceries, eat, or even use the bathroom with one arm.  It's amazing how quickly you can build up muscle, which will just burn extra calories.  And if I'm extra lucky, I get to carry both of them at once!  So that's a total of thirty pounds I can carry up and down the stairs of my house.

7. Get really bad cabin fever so that you want to take your children out often.  Even if it's just to the mall to drool over clothes you will not fit into ever the same way again.

• Even traveling "light" with children is an ordeal.  There's the mandatory diapers, wipes, bottles, snacks, and blankets I bring.  And Anduin in a carseat (even the among the lightest I could find) still weighs twenty pounds.  And the behemoth of my double stroller weighs 40 pounds alone.  Lift that into and out of your car several times over a three hour long trip outside of the house.  Wrestle a toddler into the seat.  Attach your now 20 pound infant into the carseat attachment.  And don't forget the rest of the baby stuff you are now lugging.

Follow these simple rules and you too can shed those pounds easily!