Saturday, October 18, 2014

Bunny Goes to the Spa

Niles and I have been lying to our children nearly since they were born.

But really, I am pretty sure all parents do.
"Chuck E Cheese is closed again today, kids."
"You cannot get out of the cart because only Mommy has special shoes to protect her from the boiling lava."
"Christmas is December 24" (I had duty that on Christmas Day.)
"There are no more new Thomas the Tank Engine toys."

So while we were in Maui this past weekend and realized that Owen had managed to leave behind his precious Bunny, Niles and I had to think quickly.  We had already tried to go back to the store and retrieve Bunny, but he was gone.  As Niles and I privately mourned the loss of the much loved stuffed rabbit toy that Owen has had since he was the same size as the toy, we had to come up with an answer as Owen repeatedly requested Bunny from the back seat.

Then Niles came up with the perfect lie.

"Owen, Bunny is at the spa."
"The spa?"
"Yes, a spa like what Mommy and Daddy did yesterday.  Bunny is at the spa.  So next time you see him, he's going to be really, really clean.  He might be so clean you may not recognize him."

So yes, I frantically ordered another Bunny off Amazon.  (Oh, Amazon Prime and one-touch ordering, how much I love you!)  Then while at work the next day, I may have written Owen a letter from "Bunny" talking about how awesome the spa was and how good the food was...  And promptly shoved it into an envelope when I got home to give to Owen.  Believe me, Niles and I are not above perpetuating lies to our children.

The lies had to continue when "Bunny" arrived in the mail.  Owen gleefully hugged him and then took a longer look at him...  and realized there were a couple of small differences... which Niles carefully explained away by Bunny being at the spa.  We think Owen's bought into the lies.

So remember, parents, if you ever find yourself frantically ordering a replacement stuffed animal, just tell your kids the toy went to a spa for a while.  And maybe this lie will work for you too!

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Size Does Matter...

Size does matter... when you are a Chief Engineer in a drydock. Only the Chief Engineer and MPA can close out tanks, and given the choice between going to a meeting or closing out a tank, I'll choose closing out a tank.  (Unless, of course, the meeting is PB4T, and I like my MPA too much to subject him to that.)

So here's my quick guide to closing out a tank:

1. Ask how big the tank is.  This will determine how much time you need to put aside.  Depending on the size of the tank, it could take a few minutes to a few hours.

2. Figure out where it's located.  Now this is very important.  You have to add in time to reach the tank, especially if it involves climbing down several decks' worth of ladders.  Also very few tanks are easily accessed.  Usually because we're trying to do this whole warship thing and preserve space, we put pipes and fittings and other equipment around the access covers.  This is where I evaluate whether I can even get into the tank.

3. Outfit appropriately.  Tank diving is not the time to wear your favorite pair of coveralls, unless you want to break them in.  And for the love of everything, don't even think of doing this in NWU's.  A headlamp is super useful because it frees up both hands to pull yourself into and out of tight spaces.  I ALWAYS carry a second light on me though after banging my only flashlight and it going out... in the middle of a huge tank. 

4. Stretch...  It's like yoga or urban spelunking as I like to think of.  You are going to use muscles you don't normally use in weird body contortions.

5. Empty your pockets of everything, minus the aforementioned flashlight.  The more stuff you have in your pockets, the more stuff you can leave behind in a tank.  I always bring my phone with me though so I can document the condition of the tank (and perhaps snap a few selfies along the way).  Plus, with me, the less stuff I have in my pockets, the less bruises I end up with.

6. Have fun!  Do your best to not freak out how you're in the middle of a huge cavern where maybe one other person can hear you cry if you get stuck...  Or how even though we've been ventilating these fuel tanks for weeks, there's still a slightly overwhelming smell of fuel...  Or how if you fumble with your headlamp, it's complete darkness waiting for you...  Or if you crawl under that obstruction, will you have enough strength to pull yourself out?

7. Be prepared to explain what "tank diving" is to every person you meet on the street later because you will get strange looks when covered from bruises all over your legs and arms.  Every male friend I've been out with since then usually gets glares from complete strangers as people assume he's beating me.  Because trust me, when it comes to steel v. human being, the steel always wins.


Even the subcontractors have mentioned that I've "evolved" to be a perfect Cheng as I am small, aren't scared of the dark (that they know of), and have fun doing so.

But there has been one tank that even I could not fit in.  I am sure I could have fit, but I just could not get over/under pipe hangers/fittings to get into the tank.  I tried several different ways/means, watched the contractors who cleaned the tank get in there and tried to copy their routes.  But in the end, I was defeated.  That doesn't mean that no one else goes in there.  It just meant I had to find a stand-in...  So I wandered up to the main deck, searching for a super skinny engineer and found a brand new fireman.  After greeting me respectfully and properly, I immediately asked, "Are you flexible?"  The look on his face was priceless, but this kid was able to get into the tank... head first... and upside down... 

Inside a tank with one of the many holes you get to crawl through..  That's my hand for size comparison, and I don't have a big hand.

Tank Selfie

This was a choose your own adventure...  Want to go through the top, bottom, left, or right port?  In the end, you have to do them all so you have to be careful to not lose track which compartment of the tank you've been in...

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Disappointed Mom Counseling

"Please, ma'am, if you're going to yell at me, just go ahead and do it.  But please don't tell me you're disappointed!"                            - One of my chiefs before a recent counseling session


For anyone who's met me, you've realized by now that I am not a large, intimidating, or imposing figure.  I stand a whopping five feet and half an inch (you know you're short when you count the half-inches), which even in combat boots makes me five foot two.  The vast majority of people I work with are taller than me.  I also have long learned that when I yell, my voice gets kind of screechy and generally loses the effect.  As a result, I've long learned the best way to counsel my sailors has been going the Disappointed Mom route.  This is what this means:  I usually sit them down, or for more privacy, ask them to take a walk with me.  Then I lower my shoulders, slow the pace of my voice, and begin with something along the words of, "I am really disappointed..."  The sailor, for his or her part, usually looks like a kicked puppy.  

This method is awesome.

And super effective.

It's only effective because of a couple weird scenarios that occur in the Navy.  Foremost, by Navy standards, I'm sort of old.  I  am nowhere near old enough to be people's mom, but I have almost a decade on my junior sailors.  Secondly, by being an officer, I automatically have that distinct level of authority/positional respect that most people associate with your parents.  Thirdly, where else but the Navy does someone older than you talk to you about safe drinking, safe sex, safe driving, makes sure you get to your appointments on time, and that you have a roof over your head and enough food to eat... other than your parents?  Fourth, by being the most senior female officer on my ship, I've acquired that "mom" aura about myself.  And lastly, the Disappointed Mom schtick works because I work hard for my sailors, which means they work hard for me, and so they generally want to make me happy.  And disappointed does NOT equal happy.

Now if only it worked as well on my actual kids.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Condiment Baby

The kids now have very distinct personalities.  What's funny is that they each have bits of my and Niles' personalities.  All of Owen's food preferences are more like mine: could eat half a chocolate Haupia pie before getting sick.  Meanwhile, Anduin eats like my husband: craves salty snack foods like chips and loves pickles and cottage cheese.  That being said, Owen's introvertism is more like Niles as a young child (or so I'm told because I've never known an introverted Niles) while Anduin's bossy, opinionated, talkative self is supposedly me as a young child.  I think my mom cackles every time she tells me this.

That being said, the nicknames I have for the kids come from several very distinct habits.  I haven't decided which to go with so at any point, so if you hear these below, you'll know who I'm talking about.

Owen: The Little Engineer.  Always observing and trying to figure out how things work: door latches, car ignition, knives to properly dice an onion like Daddy.

Anduin: Condiment Baby. To her, toast is just a vehicle for the Nutella, pancakes are just a means to eat butter, and chicken nuggets convey sweet and sour sauce.  The minute you turn your head, she will go for the condiments. straight. out of the container.  So just be warned if you entertain her, you are going to want to hide your butter.

Owen: Baby GPS. For a now three year old, he has an uncanny sense of direction.  He's clear to let you know if you're going the "wrong" way, like home instead of the playground.  I am pretty sure he can navigate better than my Mom.  (Love you, Mom! But really, Garmin and then Google Maps have been your best friends.)

Anduin: The Dowsing Baby. If there is any bit of water, especially a muddy or dirty puddle, anywhere in the vicinity, Anduin will not only locate it but manage to submerge as much of her body as possible in it.  I'm thinking of sending her to drought stricken areas to locate possible sources of water, assuming that someone's fast enough to prevent her from contaminating it.

So if you've got a particular favorite, let me know.  Maybe I'll try to get it to stick to them.