"My life's complicated..."
My 8 year old daughter asked me for relationship advice.
And I was concerned.
Not just because she's, you know, 8 years old... but that she has a more complicated love life than I ever did. Not just when I was 8, but ever in my life.
We were out at Afternoon Tea in a fancy hotel in downtown San Diego, just enjoying a weekend with just the two of us as Niles took Owen to a soccer tournament in Los Angeles (it's the soccer season that never ends). Anduin was doing her best to summarize the situation, everything that had started in the first grade while I was on deployment. She's now halfway through her second grade year, but of course, boy drama follows.
Two of her male friends vied for her affections. They both had crushes on her. She couldn't decide which of them she should choose as her boyfriend. So she set three challenges up for them. One of them was a challenge of style (they had to come to school in their nicest clothes). The second challenge was of one strength (just like her Mommy, no wimps please). The third challenge was loosely based on soccer. It turns out that even though she says she hates soccer (probably something to do with the fact she gets dragged to her brother's games a lot), she actually enjoys playing it during recess.
There was a clear winner. But then she told me she had a really hard time telling the boy who had not won. She felt bad. She didn't want to hurt his feelings. So she kissed him. My then 7-year old gave the other boy a pity kiss. On. The. Cheek. The problem is that other kids saw this and now insist (somewhat understandably) that she has a crush on this boy.
But she does not.
When I asked who she danced with at the Valentines Day Dance Party, she listed some of her friends. Then she paused dramatically and added, "But I danced mostly with someone special."
This "someone special" is as you can guess, her crush. It was the other boy in the challenge. Our families are good friends and will spend time hanging out. I discovered over tea (appropriately) that when they meet up, they are just as likely to play games as they are to kiss "in private" and go for moonlit walks.
I immediately crushed the strong desire to never let her go on a sleepover again. "Where was your brother during all this?" "He was busy playing games on the Switch." So maybe I need to talk to her brother about being a better chaperone?
But you know what? There's another part of me that's actually proud of her. She knows what (or who) she wants. She's not afraid to ask. Fear of rejection is hard to overcome, no matter your age. She explained how she worked up to asking the boy whether he wanted her to kiss him. She was respectful of the other kid's boundaries. She also tried to gently let down the other boy (though we may need to talk about her technique later). I hope this means she will not wait for someone else to bring her happiness, but that instead she would seek it herself.
Plus last night while we were watching a musical being performed (something her brother would have absolutely hated), one of the characters asked a rhetorical question about loving and lasting relationships, and my daughter answered, "Just like you and Daddy."
She just wants a relationship like my husband and I have.
So despite the fact that my advice to her at Tea was generic at best ("Sorry, Anduin, boy drama will be in your life for a while. Just keep being honest with them."), maybe I have been doing something right. I've been modeling a healthy relationship for her to emulate.
That doesn't mean I still won't try to eliminate the kisses. After all, they're still just 8.
