Being a baby is the best time to train as an urban ninja.
The main reasons you should be training (or allowing) your baby as an urban ninja are:
1. Your baby can get away with just about murder. Babies are just so gosh darn cute. Reaching into a stranger's pockets, climbing store displays, or starting the car are so much cuter when babies and toddlers do it. Owen stealing my car keys to try to start the car? Cute. Random teenager trying to do so, and I'd be calling the police.
2. Your baby has built in padding. Once babies reach past a certain age (say 15 minutes), they're pretty study little creatures, especially once they can hold their heads up. Their adorable rolls of fat help cushion against most blows and that diaper is additional built in padding in case walking across the top of the railing didn't go so well.
3. Your baby can hide anywhere. What more essential skill of a ninja is there than being able to hide/disappear anywhere? Babies can fit into any tiny crevice: clothing racks, sales displays including a toy doghouse, cabinets, underneath furniture...
4. Your baby is more flexible than the entire Olympic gymnastics team. Have you seen your baby lick their toes while simultaneously rolling across the floor? I feel a muscle strain just watching my kids sometimes.
5. Your baby's "hard time" is being put back into a crib or play yard. Come on, even if your baby's training is unsuccessful and Mom or Dad disapprove of the baby trying to remove stealthily every container of seasoning they own, they'll get a short time out.
So next time you see my kids and wonder why they're dressed all in black... you'll know why and just let them get away with it because they're so gosh darn cute.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Just the facts, sir, just the facts (why lie to children already?)
I like to think of myself as a pretty laid back parent, but there is something that aggravates me to no end... When educational children's programming (or reading materials) lie to our children.
First case in point:
Curious George.
I really like Curious George. When he makes mistakes, even though everything seems to magically work out for him, he's pretty contrite about the mistakes he makes. But this is my ongoing problem with the show, the books, and the entire concept: GEORGE IS NOT A MONKEY. Come on, people, he doesn't have a tail! Monkeys have tails. In fact, George appears to be a chimpanzee. So stop referring to him as a "monkey" over and over again. The "Man in the Yellow Hat" who is George's best friend (owner?) is in fact some sort of wildlife biologist so he should know better. It's not as if he's some random hardware store owner who happens to own a lovable, furry pet who gets into hilarious antics.
Second case in point:
SuperWhy -- specifically The Boy Who Cried Wolf
This entire show premise is that the superheroes travel into a book, learn how to read, and then change the story. Why are they changing the story? When you change the story, you change the moral of the story. In the Boy Who Cried Wolf, the boy in the show keeps seeing a wolf while setting up for his party but whenever he tries to tell his friends, the wolf disappears. The "new" lesson is that the boy is sad that his friends don't believe him. Come on, the original story is about how it's wrong to lie (another very important lesson, and less touchy feely) because otherwise WOLVES WILL EAT YOU.
Third case in point:
Colors book - Seal v. Sea Lion
Owen has a whole series of books that are basically fancy flash cards in baby board book form. One of them goes through "colors." At the very end of the book to demonstrate the color "gray," it shows a picture of a dolphin and then one of a "seal." Except, the "seal" is actually a sea lion. It's easy to tell since the sea lion is in typical sea lion pose where his front flippers are holding his head up (like he's posed to balance a ball on his nose). I hate to break the news to you people, but seals can't hold themselves up like that. They're essentially furry land slugs. So why not just put "sea lion" under the picture?
It's not as if these things are mindless, non-educational children's books or programming exclusively there for entertainment. You're supposed to make me feel better about letting my child watch tv or encourage me to read to my child more to teach him things... And despite small public programming budgets, you can take 5 minutes and Google to correct your mistakes. All I want is just the facts. So the next time you hear me growl while reading to my child, it's probably not me reading Where the Wild Things Are, it's probably me discovering another lie in an educational material.
First case in point:
Curious George.
I really like Curious George. When he makes mistakes, even though everything seems to magically work out for him, he's pretty contrite about the mistakes he makes. But this is my ongoing problem with the show, the books, and the entire concept: GEORGE IS NOT A MONKEY. Come on, people, he doesn't have a tail! Monkeys have tails. In fact, George appears to be a chimpanzee. So stop referring to him as a "monkey" over and over again. The "Man in the Yellow Hat" who is George's best friend (owner?) is in fact some sort of wildlife biologist so he should know better. It's not as if he's some random hardware store owner who happens to own a lovable, furry pet who gets into hilarious antics.
Second case in point:
SuperWhy -- specifically The Boy Who Cried Wolf
This entire show premise is that the superheroes travel into a book, learn how to read, and then change the story. Why are they changing the story? When you change the story, you change the moral of the story. In the Boy Who Cried Wolf, the boy in the show keeps seeing a wolf while setting up for his party but whenever he tries to tell his friends, the wolf disappears. The "new" lesson is that the boy is sad that his friends don't believe him. Come on, the original story is about how it's wrong to lie (another very important lesson, and less touchy feely) because otherwise WOLVES WILL EAT YOU.
Third case in point:
Colors book - Seal v. Sea Lion
Owen has a whole series of books that are basically fancy flash cards in baby board book form. One of them goes through "colors." At the very end of the book to demonstrate the color "gray," it shows a picture of a dolphin and then one of a "seal." Except, the "seal" is actually a sea lion. It's easy to tell since the sea lion is in typical sea lion pose where his front flippers are holding his head up (like he's posed to balance a ball on his nose). I hate to break the news to you people, but seals can't hold themselves up like that. They're essentially furry land slugs. So why not just put "sea lion" under the picture?
It's not as if these things are mindless, non-educational children's books or programming exclusively there for entertainment. You're supposed to make me feel better about letting my child watch tv or encourage me to read to my child more to teach him things... And despite small public programming budgets, you can take 5 minutes and Google to correct your mistakes. All I want is just the facts. So the next time you hear me growl while reading to my child, it's probably not me reading Where the Wild Things Are, it's probably me discovering another lie in an educational material.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
A Plea to Owen
Dear Owen,
I know that you love cheese. You go through a 16 oz container of cottage cheese every week. You eat two string cheese sticks every snack session. Two weeks ago, you ate 75% of my expensive, artisan goat cheese. Last week, you ate the rest of the bleu cheese crumbles... straight... like candy. You added half the package of shredded cheddar to the mashed potatoes we made together. You figured out how to open fridge door to get to the cheese drawer to feed yourself. The final straw was that earlier this week, I walked into the kitchen to find you on the floor, eating cream cheese straight from the container.
Please... You need help. You have a cheese problem.
We, your parents, would like to actually eat some of the cheese in the house. And when I give you hugs or kisses, I get semi-nauseous from the cheese aroma emanating from your pores, no matter how often I bathe you.
Love,
Mommy
I know that you love cheese. You go through a 16 oz container of cottage cheese every week. You eat two string cheese sticks every snack session. Two weeks ago, you ate 75% of my expensive, artisan goat cheese. Last week, you ate the rest of the bleu cheese crumbles... straight... like candy. You added half the package of shredded cheddar to the mashed potatoes we made together. You figured out how to open fridge door to get to the cheese drawer to feed yourself. The final straw was that earlier this week, I walked into the kitchen to find you on the floor, eating cream cheese straight from the container.
Please... You need help. You have a cheese problem.
We, your parents, would like to actually eat some of the cheese in the house. And when I give you hugs or kisses, I get semi-nauseous from the cheese aroma emanating from your pores, no matter how often I bathe you.
Love,
Mommy
Friday, July 13, 2012
Baby Foodies (with Pictures!)
Niles and I love food. So it should be no surprise that our kids love food, even Anduin who's only five and a half months. Someone asked me whether this was early, but we always figured our kids would let us know when they were ready to move beyond the completely liquid diet. First, they watch you eat... It's how I imagine a limping zebra feels in front of a pack of hyenas. Second, they just took the food out of your hands. For Owen, it was a banana. For Anduin, it was a chocolate croissant. She especially enjoyed licking the chocolate off her fingers. And minutes later when I tried to kiss her chubby little cheeks, she licked my entire face, searching for chocolate croissant crumbs. Now Anduin, my super happy baby, will cry if I am not shoveling food fast enough into her mouth. Instead, she reaches for the bowl.
In fact, while most parents scold their children when food's tossed onto the floor because they're making a mess, we're more likely to say something like, "You're wasting really delicious, perfectly cooked bacon, Owen!" and then make him eat it off the floor. Not only do I want his immune system to get stronger, but it physically pains me sometimes to see him waste fresh baked cookies or the mochiko chicken Niles made for dinner the other night. Niles was personally repulsed the other night when I ate udon noodles out of Owen's cup -- they only had a little cranberry juice-water on them -- because they were the last udon noodles in the house. And I LOVE udon noodles...
We did, unfortunately, turn Owen into a blueberry snob. He'll only eat really sweet ones. All the other ones, he'll actually take out of his mouth, half squished, and give you a look of complete betrayal for trying to serve him that "slop."
First quick confession: With Owen, we weren't particularly diligent about following the rule where you introduce a single food to a baby and wait five days for an adverse reaction. With Anduin, we just threw the rule out the window. After all, despite our complete disregard for the rule, Owen's still alive.
Second quick confession: Despite telling myself that I would make my own baby food (it's so easy, just put table food into a blender!), it's even easier to just feed your baby table food. As long as it's not a choking hazard or honey. This is our new rule.
This explains why at five and a half months, Anduin's eaten poi, beef stew, curry, bananas, mangoes, rice porridge, toast, chocolate croissants, spicy pork, ahi poke, ramen, whipped cream, haupia, udon noodles, Chipotle... Maybe it's impressive that she's still pretty slim for a baby after all this.
Oh, and stink bugs? They're just extra protein.
In fact, while most parents scold their children when food's tossed onto the floor because they're making a mess, we're more likely to say something like, "You're wasting really delicious, perfectly cooked bacon, Owen!" and then make him eat it off the floor. Not only do I want his immune system to get stronger, but it physically pains me sometimes to see him waste fresh baked cookies or the mochiko chicken Niles made for dinner the other night. Niles was personally repulsed the other night when I ate udon noodles out of Owen's cup -- they only had a little cranberry juice-water on them -- because they were the last udon noodles in the house. And I LOVE udon noodles...
We did, unfortunately, turn Owen into a blueberry snob. He'll only eat really sweet ones. All the other ones, he'll actually take out of his mouth, half squished, and give you a look of complete betrayal for trying to serve him that "slop."
First quick confession: With Owen, we weren't particularly diligent about following the rule where you introduce a single food to a baby and wait five days for an adverse reaction. With Anduin, we just threw the rule out the window. After all, despite our complete disregard for the rule, Owen's still alive.
Second quick confession: Despite telling myself that I would make my own baby food (it's so easy, just put table food into a blender!), it's even easier to just feed your baby table food. As long as it's not a choking hazard or honey. This is our new rule.
This explains why at five and a half months, Anduin's eaten poi, beef stew, curry, bananas, mangoes, rice porridge, toast, chocolate croissants, spicy pork, ahi poke, ramen, whipped cream, haupia, udon noodles, Chipotle... Maybe it's impressive that she's still pretty slim for a baby after all this.
Oh, and stink bugs? They're just extra protein.
 |
| Anduin eating her first Chipotle chicken burrito bowl |
 | |||
| Owen enjoying an extra sharp, aged cheddar |
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
We're Moving on Down... (or Hawaiian Hotel Accommodations)
Tell people you are spending three weeks TDY in Hawaii and NO ONE feels sorry for you. I decided to take my family out with me so I spent a great deal of time searching for suitable accommodations. First off, to all those people who tell themselves you can stay in a single hotel room with your two young children, you're deluded. I don't care if you're only going to be there for a couple of days. At some point during your stay, you're going to want to watch television, talk to your spouse, or other activities that could potentially wake the sleeping children that are five feet away from you! (And that's being pretty generous in hotel room sizes.) Trust me, people reach for the phone to call child services if they discover you're at the hotel bar with your hubby while your babies are asleep by themselves in that 30th floor hotel room. So save yourself the time and energy and at least get a separate room for the kids to sleep in so you can do something/anything past 8:00 (or whatever your child's bedtime is).
But it's hard to find a place for three weeks in Hawaii during peak tourist season that had at least one bedroom, preferably two, and that would remain under the TDY government lodging costs. As it was, I was able to string together three different accommodations. And ironically, we started at the nicest place and worked our way down...
Place 1: Private cottage above someone's garage
Let's get something straight. Telling people I stayed above someone's garage does not do this place justice. It's like telling someone that our President happens to live in a historical house painted white, or that major defense decisions take place in an oddly shaped building. When we first walked into this cottage, I immediately noticed how tastefully decorated it was -- limited edition prints, glass sculptures, large seashells, coral, light colored patio furniture on the large lanai, marble double sink in the bathroom, glass table top in the full sized kitchen with granite bench... In short, it was gorgeous and ABSOLUTELY terrifying to me. It was full of fragile, breakable things. We spent the first half hour moving most everything to the top, top shelf and then having to move chairs around so that Owen wouldn't be able to use chairs to get to anything. We counted ourselves lucky that the only casualty was a wineglass after a ten day stay. And despite every fabric choice being made to show stains, they washed pretty cleanly, which was useful since Owen threw up the first night. The owners were fabulous, and despite how they had decorated the cottage, were parents of an energetic three year old. I also woke up every morning at 0430 to the sound of tropical birds and geckoes so loud you swore you were in the middle of a "soothing" rainforest ambient noise soundscape.
Place 2: Barbers Point Cottage, operated by MWR
After you've nearly turned around three times asking yourself, "Is this really the right way? We're in the middle of NOWHERE," you will finally arrive at the Barbers Point cottages. From the outside, they're not much to look at. Cinder block walls on the duplexes with the same type of chairs you find at most public pools parked outside. Inside, they had been renovated and redecorated quite nicely. They even had a granite backsplash behind the stove. Their bedding was also nice, though it was a lot more washable. We found out since Owen also threw up the first night we stayed there. About 50 yards away from the front door was a beach, so we fell asleep listening to the waves. I know, tough life, right? The first time I mentioned where we were staying to a local, his actual response was, "That's the beach with the shark and barracuda heads nailed to a post to warn you about what's in the water, right?" No kidding. I'm already sort of paranoid about swimming in the ocean, so this comment did not help at all. Good thing that Owen is also terrified about swimming in the ocean because every time I took him down to that beach, he held tighter to me than a baby koala and contorted his body in unnatural ways so he wouldn't have to touch the water. It's like he knew. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, I am in the Navy and still don't like being in the water. Let me explain, I'm a surface warfare officer-- that's right, I'm there to remain on the water. When I'm in the water, it's a really bad day. In addition to the beach, there was an outdoor shower, large yard, and a Coast Guard air station another 100 yards from the house, which Owen loved. Every two minutes he was excitedly pointing at yet another plane in the sky. In general, this place was nice though not nearly as nice as the first.
Place 3: Long term stay hotel in Pearl City
We had originally planned to stay with my brother, but upon further introspection, we decided to move to another hotel. After all, I wanted to remain on speaking terms with him so invading his 3 bedroom house with me, my husband, my two kids, my mother, and my grandmother seemed a little cruel. At the last minute, I managed to find a long term stay hotel just fifteen minutes from his house marketed especially to military families looking to spend just the TLA amount. On paper, it met all of our needs: 2 bedrooms, full kitchen, air conditioning... In person, my husband kept looking for the hourly rates. The couches were upholstered with the same type of industrial vinyl you find on schoolbuses. The floor of the bathroom had the same type of decking you actually found on board ships in berthing compartments (I felt right at home!), just a different color. It certainly was not the marble like the first place or even the tile of the second place. The table came out of the same 80s restaurant that the yellow "glasses" had come from. The bed spreads were also from the same vintage. Also only one of the two bedrooms were air conditioned, and because we do most anything to keep our children sleeping soundly, we gave it to them. So Owen spent four nights sleeping blissfully by himself on a queen sized bed in an air conditioned room while Mom and Dad shared a full sized bed in an un-air conditioned room. There were only two pictures hanging up in the entire place, none of which were numbered and looked to be about the same age as me. In short... it was perfect! There was nothing that Owen could destroy, despite his best efforts. And of course, just when we finally have the industrial vinyl that could be wiped down instead of washed, he manages to not throw up on the first night.
So lessons learned:
When I used to travel with my husband, just the two of us, having the granite countertops and fancy kitchen with the beautiful accessories was a must. Now traveling with two kids, I'm impressed by industrial grade vinyl. That's right, you're moving on down...
But it's hard to find a place for three weeks in Hawaii during peak tourist season that had at least one bedroom, preferably two, and that would remain under the TDY government lodging costs. As it was, I was able to string together three different accommodations. And ironically, we started at the nicest place and worked our way down...
Place 1: Private cottage above someone's garage
Let's get something straight. Telling people I stayed above someone's garage does not do this place justice. It's like telling someone that our President happens to live in a historical house painted white, or that major defense decisions take place in an oddly shaped building. When we first walked into this cottage, I immediately noticed how tastefully decorated it was -- limited edition prints, glass sculptures, large seashells, coral, light colored patio furniture on the large lanai, marble double sink in the bathroom, glass table top in the full sized kitchen with granite bench... In short, it was gorgeous and ABSOLUTELY terrifying to me. It was full of fragile, breakable things. We spent the first half hour moving most everything to the top, top shelf and then having to move chairs around so that Owen wouldn't be able to use chairs to get to anything. We counted ourselves lucky that the only casualty was a wineglass after a ten day stay. And despite every fabric choice being made to show stains, they washed pretty cleanly, which was useful since Owen threw up the first night. The owners were fabulous, and despite how they had decorated the cottage, were parents of an energetic three year old. I also woke up every morning at 0430 to the sound of tropical birds and geckoes so loud you swore you were in the middle of a "soothing" rainforest ambient noise soundscape.
Place 2: Barbers Point Cottage, operated by MWR
After you've nearly turned around three times asking yourself, "Is this really the right way? We're in the middle of NOWHERE," you will finally arrive at the Barbers Point cottages. From the outside, they're not much to look at. Cinder block walls on the duplexes with the same type of chairs you find at most public pools parked outside. Inside, they had been renovated and redecorated quite nicely. They even had a granite backsplash behind the stove. Their bedding was also nice, though it was a lot more washable. We found out since Owen also threw up the first night we stayed there. About 50 yards away from the front door was a beach, so we fell asleep listening to the waves. I know, tough life, right? The first time I mentioned where we were staying to a local, his actual response was, "That's the beach with the shark and barracuda heads nailed to a post to warn you about what's in the water, right?" No kidding. I'm already sort of paranoid about swimming in the ocean, so this comment did not help at all. Good thing that Owen is also terrified about swimming in the ocean because every time I took him down to that beach, he held tighter to me than a baby koala and contorted his body in unnatural ways so he wouldn't have to touch the water. It's like he knew. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, I am in the Navy and still don't like being in the water. Let me explain, I'm a surface warfare officer-- that's right, I'm there to remain on the water. When I'm in the water, it's a really bad day. In addition to the beach, there was an outdoor shower, large yard, and a Coast Guard air station another 100 yards from the house, which Owen loved. Every two minutes he was excitedly pointing at yet another plane in the sky. In general, this place was nice though not nearly as nice as the first.
Place 3: Long term stay hotel in Pearl City
We had originally planned to stay with my brother, but upon further introspection, we decided to move to another hotel. After all, I wanted to remain on speaking terms with him so invading his 3 bedroom house with me, my husband, my two kids, my mother, and my grandmother seemed a little cruel. At the last minute, I managed to find a long term stay hotel just fifteen minutes from his house marketed especially to military families looking to spend just the TLA amount. On paper, it met all of our needs: 2 bedrooms, full kitchen, air conditioning... In person, my husband kept looking for the hourly rates. The couches were upholstered with the same type of industrial vinyl you find on schoolbuses. The floor of the bathroom had the same type of decking you actually found on board ships in berthing compartments (I felt right at home!), just a different color. It certainly was not the marble like the first place or even the tile of the second place. The table came out of the same 80s restaurant that the yellow "glasses" had come from. The bed spreads were also from the same vintage. Also only one of the two bedrooms were air conditioned, and because we do most anything to keep our children sleeping soundly, we gave it to them. So Owen spent four nights sleeping blissfully by himself on a queen sized bed in an air conditioned room while Mom and Dad shared a full sized bed in an un-air conditioned room. There were only two pictures hanging up in the entire place, none of which were numbered and looked to be about the same age as me. In short... it was perfect! There was nothing that Owen could destroy, despite his best efforts. And of course, just when we finally have the industrial vinyl that could be wiped down instead of washed, he manages to not throw up on the first night.
So lessons learned:
When I used to travel with my husband, just the two of us, having the granite countertops and fancy kitchen with the beautiful accessories was a must. Now traveling with two kids, I'm impressed by industrial grade vinyl. That's right, you're moving on down...
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The Work for D-Day
First off, apologies for waiting to write this entry until a week after the actual D-Day (deployment day) for our family work/vacation to Hawaii. Let's just say that I've spent more time in uniform while the rest of my family has been hanging out in board shorts... Anyway, I wanted to give some advice to anyone else out there pondering the insanity of flying small children across the US and then an ocean...
D-2 months (2 months before deploying) or earlier:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii.
2. Begin compiling a list of people you can bribe to come with you so you have an extra set of arms, feet, etc. on the plane ride and waiting to assist you in Hawaii.
3. Start researching where you can stay... Avoid hotels in Waikiki that don't even include a microwave in your room.
4. Purchase a blank notebook so you have enough paper to write down all the items you will need to travel with small children.
D-1 month:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii.
2. Buy Visine for your eyes. Your eyes will blur as you attempt to match up your official flight reservation and the family's flight reservation. This will require a minimum of at least four hours and two browser windows. Oh, and you'll need that extra Visine because you'll think you're seeing things when you see the cost of the government flight and the commercial flight because they're nowhere near the same... And don't even think of actually talking to an actual person to book your ticket. There's a fee for that.
3. Consider refinancing your house to pay for the airfare. A short note here: my sanity was definitely worth the $1200 cost for Owen to have his own seat.
4. Reserve place to stay. Highly recommend looking into renting a condo or house with full kitchen and at least two bedrooms. No vacation is actually a vacation if the small children stay in the room with you the entire time... That'll limit you to whispering after your kids' bedtime every night. Oh, and finding a place in Hawaii that is under the federal TDY amount that has two bedrooms during high tourist season... You might need to reserve it the previous winter.
5. Exploit your status as an active duty military member and become best friends with your ITT office. Who knew they offered vacation packages to Hawaii? Or rental car deals? Or would allow you to talk the Airman's Attic at Hickam into loaning you a pack and play for the baby so you don't have to pay for one?
6. Order copies of your children's birth certificate if you don't have them already. Despite the fact that my infant (!) does not look anywhere near the age of 2 (unless of course you have a ticket agent with ZERO experience with small children and blurs all children under the age of 18 together...), you may still be asked to produce evidence they can travel for free on your lap.
7. Talk to your pediatrician for a drug recommendation for your child. Pick up said drug and test. Hope your child is not in the 25% that actually become more hyper on cold medicine.
D-2 weeks:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii.
2. Begin researching your airline's baggage policy as you figure out what you can bring with you. Exploit your status as an active duty military member. For example, as active duty traveling on orders on United, I could check up to 5 bags weighing up to 70 lbs a piece. Oh, and car seats and strollers do not count against your baggage count. You'll need every free checked bag you can get.
D-1 week:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii. True story, the week before I was scheduled to leave, there was a decent possibility the trip was going to be cancelled. I nearly had a heart attack.
2. Print off copies of everything: flight itinerary, rental car reservations, baggage policies, TSA policy, directions to where you're staying... Oh, and any actual work related items you might need. Oh, and thanks to the US government, the TSA allows you to carry juice for your toddler through security but not cow milk... Huh?
3. Stockpile enough snacks and food to get you through a day's worth of traveling or a category 2 hurricane, whatever may come first. On an 8 hour flight, we were offered zero food for free. And I could only feel sorry for the little girl who begged her dad incessantly for a $30 (!) cheese plate.
4. Pack your bags. Let the neighbors think you're moving out with the amount of luggage piled up in the hallway. Make sure to mark your bags with crazy ribbon to distinguish them from everyone else's. And definitely distribute everything you may need throughout bags.
D-1:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii.
2. Dress kids in clothes they will travel in so when you wake up at 0230 in the morning for a 0600 flight departure, at least one of you will sleep.
3. Give your kids a bath too so they will smell nice, giving the people around you one less thing to complain about, and so that they will have bedhead.
This is just a quick overview of the amount of work that went into planning for this trip. The actual planning took a lot more stress and heartache than actually can be pushed through a blog.
D-2 months (2 months before deploying) or earlier:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii.
2. Begin compiling a list of people you can bribe to come with you so you have an extra set of arms, feet, etc. on the plane ride and waiting to assist you in Hawaii.
3. Start researching where you can stay... Avoid hotels in Waikiki that don't even include a microwave in your room.
4. Purchase a blank notebook so you have enough paper to write down all the items you will need to travel with small children.
D-1 month:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii.
2. Buy Visine for your eyes. Your eyes will blur as you attempt to match up your official flight reservation and the family's flight reservation. This will require a minimum of at least four hours and two browser windows. Oh, and you'll need that extra Visine because you'll think you're seeing things when you see the cost of the government flight and the commercial flight because they're nowhere near the same... And don't even think of actually talking to an actual person to book your ticket. There's a fee for that.
3. Consider refinancing your house to pay for the airfare. A short note here: my sanity was definitely worth the $1200 cost for Owen to have his own seat.
4. Reserve place to stay. Highly recommend looking into renting a condo or house with full kitchen and at least two bedrooms. No vacation is actually a vacation if the small children stay in the room with you the entire time... That'll limit you to whispering after your kids' bedtime every night. Oh, and finding a place in Hawaii that is under the federal TDY amount that has two bedrooms during high tourist season... You might need to reserve it the previous winter.
5. Exploit your status as an active duty military member and become best friends with your ITT office. Who knew they offered vacation packages to Hawaii? Or rental car deals? Or would allow you to talk the Airman's Attic at Hickam into loaning you a pack and play for the baby so you don't have to pay for one?
6. Order copies of your children's birth certificate if you don't have them already. Despite the fact that my infant (!) does not look anywhere near the age of 2 (unless of course you have a ticket agent with ZERO experience with small children and blurs all children under the age of 18 together...), you may still be asked to produce evidence they can travel for free on your lap.
7. Talk to your pediatrician for a drug recommendation for your child. Pick up said drug and test. Hope your child is not in the 25% that actually become more hyper on cold medicine.
D-2 weeks:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii.
2. Begin researching your airline's baggage policy as you figure out what you can bring with you. Exploit your status as an active duty military member. For example, as active duty traveling on orders on United, I could check up to 5 bags weighing up to 70 lbs a piece. Oh, and car seats and strollers do not count against your baggage count. You'll need every free checked bag you can get.
D-1 week:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii. True story, the week before I was scheduled to leave, there was a decent possibility the trip was going to be cancelled. I nearly had a heart attack.
2. Print off copies of everything: flight itinerary, rental car reservations, baggage policies, TSA policy, directions to where you're staying... Oh, and any actual work related items you might need. Oh, and thanks to the US government, the TSA allows you to carry juice for your toddler through security but not cow milk... Huh?
3. Stockpile enough snacks and food to get you through a day's worth of traveling or a category 2 hurricane, whatever may come first. On an 8 hour flight, we were offered zero food for free. And I could only feel sorry for the little girl who begged her dad incessantly for a $30 (!) cheese plate.
4. Pack your bags. Let the neighbors think you're moving out with the amount of luggage piled up in the hallway. Make sure to mark your bags with crazy ribbon to distinguish them from everyone else's. And definitely distribute everything you may need throughout bags.
D-1:
1. Confirm that your work is actually sending you to Hawaii.
2. Dress kids in clothes they will travel in so when you wake up at 0230 in the morning for a 0600 flight departure, at least one of you will sleep.
3. Give your kids a bath too so they will smell nice, giving the people around you one less thing to complain about, and so that they will have bedhead.
This is just a quick overview of the amount of work that went into planning for this trip. The actual planning took a lot more stress and heartache than actually can be pushed through a blog.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Thank heavens for 24 hr children's programming!
Okay, so people will realize that I'm not a paragon of great parenting decisions, particularly in the moment. If I have time to muster all of the parental knowledge I've consumed by reading paranoid parenting news postings, blog entries, or magazine articles, then I tend to make good decisions. But faced with the squirming toddler in my lap while out at food tasting with friends... Sure, Mountain Dew seemed like a great idea!
First off, Owen has a major sweet tooth. He's learned that the best way to avoid having sugary treats confiscated from him is to go into feast-or-famine mode and vacuum up as much as he can. He'll stuff his cheeks full of marsh mellows so that he resembles a little, half-Asian squirrel preparing for winter. What this meant during this fateful food tasting was that he sucked up more than a quarter of a can of Mountain Dew before I realized how much he had consumed. To put things in perspective... There are 55 mg of caffeine in one soda can. He probably took in at least 14 mg of caffeine over the course of five minutes. The effects were not immediately apparent, at least not to me. He was still as energetic as ever as any little toddler was.
And then... it was 2000, and he was still bouncing off the walls.
And then... it was 2100, and he was still bouncing off the walls. He refused to lay down to go to sleep.
And then... it was 2200, and though he had now consumed over 10 oz of whole, full-fat, delicious, fresh from the dairy milk, he was still bouncing off the walls. Normally 4 oz of milk knocks him out.
And then... it was 2230, and he was still running strong. My husband at this point had given up trying to put him to sleep. He even had given up staying up late sympathetically with me. As he said, "It was your decision to give him Mountain Dew so now you have to pay."
And then... it was 2300, and he was still awake. By this time, he was finally tired, but there was so much caffeine coursing through his system that he couldn't sleep. I also belatedly realized he had never taken a nap. All he could do was make this sad sort of whine/cry every fifteen minutes. He had been up since 0630 in the morning. It was the toddler equivalent of pulling the Ironman in watches (standing the 0200-0700 and then staying up and standing the 2200-0200 watch as well). But I was also exhausted. I had also been up since 0630 without a nap. So I desperately decided to turn to that favorite electronic babysitter, the television. I was afraid I would only find adults-only entertainment, the sort of normal fare you find on HBO only, since I hadn't been up this late watching television in a very long time.
And then... I found it. The beautiful world of 24 hour children's programming on WETA Kids. Thank heavens for public programming! There was something educational, something that wouldn't prove traumatic to my toddler's already fragile state of mind. We watched Thomas the Tank Engine, which seemed really strange from when I used to watch it as kid. In retrospect, the fact that trains have faces where only their eyes move seems really creepy...
And then... by 2355, thanks to the slightly creepy Thomas the Tank Engine and a bottle of milk, Owen was finally blissfully asleep.
I used to wonder why they would make 24 hour children's programming since you know, some of my tax money goes to fund this channel. Kids shouldn't be up that late. Now I know. It's designed for those poor souls who are still awake with their children suffering because they made the terrible parenting decision to let their child have Mountain Dew. So for the next year or so, I am going to promise to not give my toddler Mountain Dew. We'll stick to ginger ale, which at least is caffeine free.
First off, Owen has a major sweet tooth. He's learned that the best way to avoid having sugary treats confiscated from him is to go into feast-or-famine mode and vacuum up as much as he can. He'll stuff his cheeks full of marsh mellows so that he resembles a little, half-Asian squirrel preparing for winter. What this meant during this fateful food tasting was that he sucked up more than a quarter of a can of Mountain Dew before I realized how much he had consumed. To put things in perspective... There are 55 mg of caffeine in one soda can. He probably took in at least 14 mg of caffeine over the course of five minutes. The effects were not immediately apparent, at least not to me. He was still as energetic as ever as any little toddler was.
And then... it was 2000, and he was still bouncing off the walls.
And then... it was 2100, and he was still bouncing off the walls. He refused to lay down to go to sleep.
And then... it was 2200, and though he had now consumed over 10 oz of whole, full-fat, delicious, fresh from the dairy milk, he was still bouncing off the walls. Normally 4 oz of milk knocks him out.
And then... it was 2230, and he was still running strong. My husband at this point had given up trying to put him to sleep. He even had given up staying up late sympathetically with me. As he said, "It was your decision to give him Mountain Dew so now you have to pay."
And then... it was 2300, and he was still awake. By this time, he was finally tired, but there was so much caffeine coursing through his system that he couldn't sleep. I also belatedly realized he had never taken a nap. All he could do was make this sad sort of whine/cry every fifteen minutes. He had been up since 0630 in the morning. It was the toddler equivalent of pulling the Ironman in watches (standing the 0200-0700 and then staying up and standing the 2200-0200 watch as well). But I was also exhausted. I had also been up since 0630 without a nap. So I desperately decided to turn to that favorite electronic babysitter, the television. I was afraid I would only find adults-only entertainment, the sort of normal fare you find on HBO only, since I hadn't been up this late watching television in a very long time.
And then... I found it. The beautiful world of 24 hour children's programming on WETA Kids. Thank heavens for public programming! There was something educational, something that wouldn't prove traumatic to my toddler's already fragile state of mind. We watched Thomas the Tank Engine, which seemed really strange from when I used to watch it as kid. In retrospect, the fact that trains have faces where only their eyes move seems really creepy...
And then... by 2355, thanks to the slightly creepy Thomas the Tank Engine and a bottle of milk, Owen was finally blissfully asleep.
I used to wonder why they would make 24 hour children's programming since you know, some of my tax money goes to fund this channel. Kids shouldn't be up that late. Now I know. It's designed for those poor souls who are still awake with their children suffering because they made the terrible parenting decision to let their child have Mountain Dew. So for the next year or so, I am going to promise to not give my toddler Mountain Dew. We'll stick to ginger ale, which at least is caffeine free.
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